


I should go

by Stanningeverything



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, kun deserves all the love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-07-10 09:33:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15946616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stanningeverything/pseuds/Stanningeverything
Summary: kun feels awful about himself, he hates everything about his body and believes the rest hates him too.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> english isn't my first language if you see some type of error or something I would love to look into it to keep improving so please tell me!!! I love constructive criticism. ^^
> 
> Honestly I only made this because I'm kinda tired of seeing the fat kun joke everywhere ((I don't find it funny)) and because kun deserves more love so I guess, here is this??
> 
> Also, please tell me if you want an Spanish version of this!! ♡

When he first heard yukhei crack the joke he didn't think much about it, it was yukhei after all, one of his better friends in nct or one of the few he really knew in deept but he really wouldn't say hearing someone calling him fat didnt hurt because it would be a lie, it did hurt a little bit but at first he just said to himself that it was fine and it was because he had heard worst things about his body from his own mind, his own demons inside and sometimes from others they thought were loved ones. 

It was all fun and games. And then his diet started to be a big part of the conversations his members had, sometimes as a joke they would throw here and there other times it would be serious conversations, like comparing they weight with hims or talking about how much they weighed when they were gonna debut for the first time. It started to make him embarrassed and to feel ashamed of living in his own body, why did it take him much more time to lose weight that any of the others? Why he had to struggle so much? when will he stop being so damn useless? 

His self esteem only got worse when he started to see the fat kun joke every time he posted something, even his own fans could see how unhealthy he was, and that hurted him so much, he wanted to be a role model for all of them but how could he be when he was so out of shape that everyone keeps reminding him about it. 

He knows all his members mean well, they aren't trying to hurt him, they would never. or maybe that is what he really wants to believe, he wants to believe he is liked and loved, that he is important even if he doesnt think that is the case. He wants to belong, he wants to say they all are his friends. He loves them all and he wants the best for them even if the best doesnt have him in the picture. 

His rational mind tells him they are trying to encourage him but the chest pain keeps growing every time, he has to watch them eating whatever they want while they are joking about him eating his small salad.It hurted even more when the kids pointed how fat he was after they told him he couldn't eat certain things because it had too many calories. He keeps repeating to himself that they are nice people that they aren't trying to make him feel this awful. He is only really susceptible. He is only a cry baby. 

He remembers that there was a time he was really comfortable in his body, he loved to live in his own skin and he thought he would never be sad about himself or the way he looked. He was confident in his everything, from head to toes, now he doesn't even want to watch himself in videos when the others do, sometimes it's hard to watch himself in the big mirror on the bathroom, most of the time he just see pictures and feel out of place. 

The worst is that he really tried, he tried with all he got, but the scale wasn't his friend, he would do his diet and exercise but the same numbers keep appearing over and over again like trying to laugh at how pathetic he is. He tried other methods, perhaps he started skipping some meals and maybe sometimes he would end up throwing up if he thought he had ate too much, he did know that what he was doing wasn't right, he really did but he had not other choice, he couldn't be looking ugly and fat when all his members were shining brightly on the stage. He couldn't let himself be the visual hole of an eighteen member group, it would be tragic.

He started soon enough asking himself if he hadn't debut properly only because how he looked, he started questioning himself if he really deserved to be there with all the others, if he deserved to even be loved by some fans, if his fans really liked him or if they were there only because of pity, he is convinced he is a pathetic excuse of a human being. 

He is isolating himself more and more from his members and they aren't trying to stop him. he doesn't ask for help because he isn't vulnerable, because he can overcome whatever this is but sometimes he really needs someone in moments where he feels little, like he doesn't have a value. They don't see him hurting and he wish they did. 

He is so so tired, he is so tired of everything that he keeps thinking about leaving, about going home to cry in his mother's arms, about going home and leaving the stress of being an idol, he keeps thinking about what he is gonna say to his family, about what he is going to say to his members but probably they would hate him much more than they already do so he cant go, also he already promised to be there, to never leave this thing that johnny keeps calling family but how can they be a family when he really thinks they all hate him. they all hate him because he can't be the mood of the group like donghyuck or yukhei, they hate him because he can't be as talented as dongyoung, taeil and jaehyun when singing or he can't dance as well as ten do, he isn't even as cute as jungwoo and the kids. Maybe they really hate him, he only matters when they are hungry and want something to eat, maybe they hate him because he is sometimes extra shy. he have heard before that he has no personality. He isn't like any of the others that have they personal thing, they all have a speciality, like really what is he in nct? The boring one? he is so dispensable.

Always after beating himself constantly for long minutes kun would finally allow himself to fall asleep hating everything that his person represents, he sleeps with warm tears in his face.


	2. Everything is ok

Everything is great, he is starting to have some progress body wise, he has lost some weight. so when all eighteen of them start practicing for black on black, he is happy. Even if he is a background dancer, he is happy he is finally touching an stage after two years, even if he can't do what he loves more, singing. He is happy because this is his opportunity to be with the others a lot more, he is happy because maybe they can get to know each other better and be friends, he is happy because he is performing. 

They all are practicing as always, four hours a day or more, kun hasn't eaten for long days only to be fitter in this comeback where he is with all his members, his stomach is growling harder as ever but the only one noticing is him, the others are talking in different places of the room while he keeps watching at a spot on the wall without thinking, he get out of his trance when donghyuk snaps his fingers in front of his telling him they are practicing some more. then he proceeds to offer his hand which kun declains quickly getting up faster than he thought, making his world spin a little, his headache is still there from early morning.

He is in a few moments in his place, waiting to star dancing, the music start playing and kun starts, he is another world when he dances so when he trips with his own foot while dancing he falls at the floor without putting his hands in a way to dont hurt himself and the last thing he hears is louds gasps and someone yelling his name while he falls into darkness.

Every bone of his body hurt, he feels like he got run over by a truck and his head is killing him, he slowly starts opening his eyes getting blind by a second because the light is really bright, he opens them again and the first thing he sees is white walls, scared he sits quickly which was a mistake because his head starts pounding behind his eyes, then someone enters the room, a men in a white rob, a doctor.

“I see, you have woken up. We were really worried, how do you feel?” The man asks while looking through some papers he has in his hands

“My head hurts so much” He says shortly disoriented but with tears in his eyes and he feels like a kid.

“Oh, well, it's kind of commun given the circumstances, don't worry too much. i'm going to give you something to make it better, is that alright?”

“Yes, please” the doctor proceeds to give him medicine and then leaves for a short time to let him rest a bit.

He watches the tree outside his window, it has little flowers and some bird nest, the sun is shining and everything seems too peaceful. 

After some minutes he feels so much better, still tired but better. soon enough he starts thinking about how he ended up in the hospital and he can't recall how he got there, he was practicing the dance for black on black, and then? 

the doctor returns and he ask him immediately. “You got here because you members brought you. You fainted after you fell to the floor.” He says “They are out there, i'm going to bring them in” 

an unison of voices call his name moments after or better said chenle, renjun, yukhei, ten and jungwoo scream his name while they throw themselves in kun arms. Asking one million questions that his brain can't catch 

“Guys! Leave kun alone he is getting better” says taeil concerned and they do just that

when them go back to the place where the others are standing, he keeps his head down, he doesn't want to see disappointed looks in his members faces because he ruined practice, he plays with his fingers silently

“Kun hyung, you scared us so much!!” says breaking the silence jeno

“yes, you dropped really hard like you were dead” says jaemin passing his finger in his throat, joking, trying to cut the uncomfortable silence. the rest nods 

“Im sorry guys, im so sorry i ruined practice” and probably your day adds kun in his head looking at them, defeated 

“What are you even talking about??? We were really worried for you” johnny kind of scream exasperated, he can't understand how kun cares more about practice than himself  
“We care about you kun-ge, you know that” renjun declares quietly finding the situation strange, what is kun talking about? He is more important than practice, he will always be more important than a few hours of practice

Kun obviously flinches and feels hurt, is he really saying that to him? Are them trying to make him feel even worse? He knows they hate his guts why are they trying to make him make a fool of himself, why are they so vile, why are they looking shocked while kun sobbs his heart out without even answering, why are they trying to act like they care, why is he crying like a fucking child in front of people that can use that to make fun of him. He waits, he really waits to hear someone laughing, he waits to them to tell him that they don't care and that they never will but they don't. they are shocked and perplexed, some of them are coming near him, and when he expects the worst they hug him, they hug him. And he cries even more because he can't understand what is happening and he is so tired

They stay like that for a long time where they all are trying to hug him so hard like they are letting him know they are really there, and kun for a moment feels so loved. When the hug breaks kun quickly looks down with red cheeks, which everyone in the room finds adorable.

“Kun, look at us. We really like you, you are as important as everyone else in this group, you are always there for all of us and im so sorry, we had not expressed it enough to you at the point you think we don't care about you.” sicheng says in their mother tongue but everyone seem to understand what he is trying to say and when he stops to catch his breath taeyong continues in Korean “kun, we do care. please talk to us, what is happening?” he looks at him with soft eyes telling him to trust in them. And kun can't say no, he wants to tell them to stop acting, to stop making him feel awful again, he wants to yell at them and at the same time he wants to believe, he wants to talk and make things better, he wants to be friends with all of them. So he starts, accusing them of hating him because he is tired and he doesn't understand a single thing that's happening.

“c-can you stop joking please. i know you hate me… and i'm tired of trying my best and failing. i would appreciate you being honest with me, I can't bear feeling like im a disappointment to everyone, i'm so sorry im not what you want.” he starts now crying hard

“k-kun,, we aren't joking, we love you so much you have no idea.” says taeil 

“kun, is this about your diet?” asks ten trying to understand why the hell one of his friends is crying like this, kun nods 

“wow, we were so insensitive about you and your struggles, we should have been there for you. We are so sorry kun. You aren't fat, you never were.” says dongyoung frowning, and really softly touching the other’s tight, he wants kun to understand well

“We should have realised sonner you were hurting, we suck as friends” now jaehyun says making everyone let go a little giggle, kun isnt crying so much now but he has a confused face on

“you don't trust us?” mark asks worried and so damn sad that makes the room be in a weird silence, mark sad is such a strange thing to see that donghyuk wraps his arms around him quickly, and kun feels worse knowing he's making such a happy kid sad

“i don't know; I just want to look good standing beside all of you, the company asked me to be better.” he stops and let go whatever he has been thinking since the start of the year “Honestly it didn't matter to me when yukhei called me fat in that vlive but the fans use that joke every time i post something, and i try to not be hurt by it. but-” he says between sobs and when he ends he takes a deep long breath to continue but he gets cut

“Kun-ge, im so sorry, i really didn't mean it like that, i was such an ass” says yukhei crying at the foot of the bed looking him straight into his eyes and kun loves him so much, he doesn't want to make him more sad so he moves to give him a little hug which ends quickly because he's not comfortable enough in the position

“Its okay… i was frustrated because i kept doing everything right and the numbers where the same, so i started to skip a lot of meals which i believe is what brought me here in the first place.” he says and when yuta asks if he has done something more he really wants to lie and say no because the embarrassment is too much, but his tiredness has gotten the best of him so he says it without blinking. “sometimes i threw up all the food we ate together” and when he realises what he had said he makes no eye contact, he hears the softs gasps in the room.

“kun hyung; you know that's not right, right??” donghyuk says besides where mark is

“I know; I just- .. I don't know how explain it”

Jisung rapidly goes to the side of bed and takes his hyung’s hand between his trying to soothe him in the only way he knows, he tries to make him feel better the same way the others try to make him when he is tired or misses his home. Then he starts talking looking at him in the eyes “Kun hyung, im so sorry. When i said that you couldn't eat that ice cream because you were fat i was joking, i didnt think it would hurt you” he regrets it so much, he feels awful. 

“Its okay jisungie, i know you didn't mean it like that” kun tries to not make him feel bad and he really enjoys the warm that jisung brings with his hands so he smiles and jisung swear kun is an actual angel.

Kun thinks for a little time and then continues still holding jisung hand in his own.  
“I felt so lonely and at some point at night i convinced myself that you all a hated me. i cried so many nights to make myself sleep.” then he puts more force in the others hands before dropping the bomb. “I really thought about leaving and going back to China” He says in a whisper that everyone hears, he is a little ashamed to let them know what he has been feeling and thinking for a while now. Jisung freezes at his side and everyone has a hurt look in his eyes. 

All seventeen of them hates the last part, they hate thinking about someone so important to them not being at their side. They are one, no one can be missing.

“Y-you still want to leave?” asks chenle practically shaking in the verge of tears, renjun gives him a side hug

“No, i don't think i could anyways…” he wants to say that he loves them and that's why he can't go back home but he can't say it aloud

“we really fucked up” says jungwoo full on crying, yukhei tries to make him feel better.

There is silence and no one knows what to say or do after such exhausting conversation so Ten proceeds to walk to kun’s bed and he sits on the other side where jisung isn't. “You should sleep, I guess you are kind of tired. We can talk more later” says and starts cuddling with him, kun at first is tense but after a moment he gets comfortable in tens chest, he is so tired it doesn't seem like a bad idea, the other plays with his hair and jisung is still holding his hand, he feels loved after a long time of feeling neglected by his members and he thinks he could really be much better if this what is happening from today and on. He closes his eyes.

“We really love you” whispers ten in his ear before he feels asleep and has one of the best dreams he has ever had since it all started. 

He isn't going to be well suddenly but it's a great start, He has to get better and he has to start to trust more in his members and he will. He still has to confront a really big fight with food, because the things he has learned no to do or do cant happen anymore, the others wouldn't let him. 

Since the day in the hospital now they are trying to compliment the most ridiculous things about kun always, the other day mark said to him he had a nice pimple, even thought it was disgusting he really appreciated the effort, everyone was making an effort for his sake, and he is going to heal eventually. He is going to feel good in his body again. 

The best thing is that now he receives cuddles, and hugs more, he gets them every night and morning. 

He loves all his members and he can finally say that they all love him back too.


End file.
